September 24th, 2008
Your Turn: Alone or not to be alone. That is the question.
I’m going out on a limb here, and I’m going to reveal something hugely personal about myself in a national forum. I’m afraid to be alone. There, I said it. It’s out, never to be hidden away again. My counselor says that it actually is not a fear of being alone. She says that I don’t enjoy my own company. How about that? (Oops, now you know I go to counseling too!)
I’m writing about this because I think I’m going to conquer this fear. It is Saturday night, 9:30 pm at this writing, and I have survived the majority of this day solely in my own company. I didn’t perish as I always believe that I will. I never give myself the opportunity to experience this. I make plans, any plans, so I don’t have to face an evening by myself. I have panicked at the thought of it. I call up my girlfriends, drive clear across town, to sit on their couch and watch a movie. Why can’t I do that by myself?
So, I did it! And, I’m going to be a stronger person for it. By moving through this fear, I’ve proven to myself that I won’t disintegrate if forced to spend an evening wholly in my own company. I’ve noticed something else about this exercise of mine. For some unknown reason, the evening is worse than the daytime. I could care less about being alone in the daytime. What is it about the night I wonder? Something to explore in future counseling sessions perhaps.
But it’s done. I can turn in anytime now. And I didn’t even use the crutch of calling a friend and blabbing on the phone for hours. I sat, just with myself. Alone. Did I love it, adore it? No, not so much. But I did it. It’s a small victory for me. I shall commit it to memory so that next time the panic doesn’t rise up like a tidal wave within me. Guess what else? I’m going to force myself to do it again. Who knows? Maybe someday I’ll even learn to dig hanging out with me!
Your turn: Do any of you out there fear being alone? What do you do to combat this fear?
September 24th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Three years ago, I was living with my boyfriend and drowning in the unhappiness of our relationship — but at least I wasn’t alone. When we found out we had to move out of our house, I took a breath and took a chance, moving into a studio apartment in San Francisco where I knew hardly anybody.
Being alone was such a struggle at first. I was lonely and scared. I became that person who has no weekend plans because she doesn’t know anyone. I was afraid that I had become that girl with “no life.” But, after awhile, a shift happened — I got a life, and it was my own. I started making decisions for myself and taking ownership of my life. For the first time. And I haven’t looked back since.
I’m now at a place where I cherish my alone time and seek it out. So many amazing things have happened for me since I took that deep breath and made the difficult decision, and I am so grateful for what I have now.
September 28th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Although I’m happy to spend time on my own I’ve always had a fear of going places on my own. Walking into a pub to meet friends is very hard.I’m always afraid they won’t be there and I’ll be in a room full of strangers. Like you I’ve faced my demons and each time I’ve done it then it becomes easier. Now I can go out in the evenings with friends and go to places that my husband doesn’t want to visit. Life’s much better. So well done to you. Your next evening in will be easier.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Like Penny, I don’t have any problem going most places alone, but I am sometimes a bit hesitant to wander too far afield (but I think that’s just me being afraid of taking unfamiliar roads). I agree that evenings are different, and there’s a certain stigma about being ‘alone’ then, particularly on the weekends. What probably helped me before I was married, was having a very clingy dog and cat - that and sometimes preferring my own company to that of my friends. Sometimes you just want to watch trashy TV or crap movies on your own! That’s my two cents worth, though don’t know if it helps…