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Because I moved a great deal as a child, and often under duress, I learned to quickly seize the opportunity to re-invent myself for my new surroundings.  I did this intuitively, and, more often than not, in reaction to what didn’t work in the place I was leaving behind.

Now, as a young girl, my thinking was not necessarily lucid enough to move past simple ideas such as How To Be Popular or How To Make The Neighborhood Bully Overlook Me. For a variety of reasons, my childhood was a turbulent one, and I spent much of it in a state of anxiety - something I can recognize with more clarity now that I’m older.

Two weeks ago, I lost my job - and I have felt nothing but an inexplicable sense of relief and excitement ever since.  This is absolutely counter-intuitive to my financial realities, but, no matter.  I’ve given myself at least three weeks to revel in my unemployment, and to strategically decide what to do next.

I have found myself thinking in terms of re-invention once again, and the thought exhausts me.  And so, in the past few days, I’ve wandered the streets of Montreal, camera in hand, or meandered through parks and alleys and the local open-air market.   I’m journalling in my moleskine notebook, and not compulsively online, as I had for the last few years.  When I’m home, I don’t play music - I am revelling in the sound of the neighborhood and the quiet of the apartment.  I’ve even decided to let my ultra-short buzz cut from the summer grow out, completely without the color treatment I’ve subjected it to for over a decade.  I can see my natural, virgin hair for the first time in years - and I’m delighted by the new flecks of tinselly moonlight strewn throughout.

Today I meet with a student counsellor at one of the Universities here in the city, to discuss something I have always wanted to do but have felt entirely incapable of - take a Creative Writing course.  It’s something that has always seemed out of my reach. I have no agenda when I meet with the counsellor today other than to simply explore ideas.

Being laid off, having my children back in my home after being separated for so long, adjusting to being a family and a fiancee, and having time to breathe and walk and write and dream and ponder and read, is having a profound effect on me - almost too delicate to describe directly, at least right now - and it dawns on me that it’s much more about letting go than apprehending, at this point.

I wonder where this will take me.  I wonder where I will find myself as the breeze gently takes me.

Your turn:

What event(s) in your life forced you to let go of long-held expectations of yourself and others?  At what point did being “out of the box” fully mobilize you to embrace new experiences?  How did you surprise yourself in that process?

Posted by Renee in Your Turn |

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 17th, 2008 at 2:26 pm and is filed under Your Turn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.