June 26th, 2008
It’s Just Hair
My oldest daughter is sporting purple hair right now. Not a deep wine you might find on me as the days become shorter and fall bleeds into winter, but a neon purple that can only be worn by someone that’s incredibly artistic. It wasn’t a total surprise to me when she excitedly told me her hair was “rad” and bright purple. I had made the appointment and given the salon my credit card number. I had expected a violet-red color as the result. Instead, she (and the colorist) found a way to make a bit of a bolder statement. Then again, aren’t bolder statements part of what makes life interesting?
Then, the other night, just as I was about to walk into a restaurant for dinner, my cell phone rang. It was my ex husband. “Do you realize HER hair is purple?“. Thus began a conversation which led to a heated discussion, which soon led to comments such as “waste of money” and “sign of letting her run wild”.
She’s almost 17 and it’s summer. She doesn’t have a job and will be applying for jobs later this summer - and then prepping for a mentor program for next year. School dress codes requires that students have a “naturally occurring hair color” so any explorations in the world of funky hair should be done during the short time between now and August 15th. She’s an artistic kid, talented in both art and in writing. She understands that when she goes job-hunting, the hair will go back to something a little more appropriate for the workplace.
I look at it like this: it’s just hair. At her age, it’s part rebellion and part expression. She knew it would irritate her very conservative father, and I’m sure it’s one of the reasons she chose such a bold color. It’s also an expression of creativity that isn’t permanent, like a tattoo. I don’t see that it’s worth getting bent out of shape about - and I certainly don’t see that it’s a sign of running wild. I’ve long been a believer that if you make a big deal out of every little thing, then the really important discussions about subjects like sex, drug use, safe driving habits, etc won’t take place or sink in. Why? Because if a teenager (who thinks they know everything) gets a lecture on every little thing, they get in the habit of tuning you out on everything.
Feel free to let me know you agree - or disagree with me. I’ll continue to pick my battles on some issues….and live with purple hair for a few weeks.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I think you hit the nail on the head with “it’s just hair” and you will “pick [your] battles”. Really, that says it all. Purple hair is pretty darn cool in my book anyway, but as a parent you’ll be faced with much bigger issues and rather take a stand on those than something like hair colour which can be changed at will.
Besides, it’s a kids duty to annoy their parents with things like this. Ask my mother about my “grunge stage”, followed by my “goth stage”. Oh, the fights about black nail polish and lipstick. Sigh.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:59 am
It’s totally “just hair.” I still, even in my 40s, have that attitude. If I get a bad haircut, who cares? It’s just hair.
When I was 17, I dyed my hair blue and had designs shaved into it. Drove my dad nuts (but he raised me to be an individual, so shouldn’t he have been proud of me???).
When I was 32, I shaved my head. And I loved it. It was the most comfortable style I’ve ever had.
Even today, I cut it off, let it grow long, cut it again. It’s just hair. I don’t wrap my identity up in it. I’m so much more.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I like your point about teenagers tuning their parents out if they are lectured about every little thing. I totally did that when I was a teen, just a few years ago.
June 26th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I’m almost 38 and I still have pink hair, and I love it. (Though I’m going blue in fall.) I’m not a parent, but I was the kid whose mother gave safe sex lectures at the dinner table, informed us that no, we did not have to marry the first person we slept with, and let us have tastes of wine at family parties.
Neither my stepbrother nor I has ever abused the privilege - we never got drunk, never smoked anything (well, except for Krakatoas in college), never had to deal with STDs or unwanted pregnancy, and I really believe a lot of this is because our parents didn’t stigmatize anything, or withhold information.
There was some concern when my stepbrother decided to become a cop in L.A., but that’s another story.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:40 am
You are right. You totally have to pick your battles. You also have to allow a teenager to try new things and learn to think for themselves. A child that cannot think for themselves because they are always told exactly what to do can be as bad as one that has “run wild” because they’ll listen to anyone.
Yet, I have to admit that I am on the conservative side, as well, and would have freaked. I’m a person that is embarrassed rather easily (a fault I realize, one that I am working on). I wouldn’t be comfortable with the attention such a bold statement must draw.
But, I am sure my mother felt the same way about some of the colorful outfits I sported in my teen years.
I have a teen-age son that is fond of the typical hip-hop culture attire: saggy jeans, hoodies, a t-shirt hanging around the neck. I draw the line on the jeans hanging below a certain point or wearing a hood when we are inside a store.
June 27th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
It’s just hair.
Totally pick your battles.
Then again…I shave off all my hair weekly, a la Sinead O’Connor! I spent too many years feeling like a slave to my hair…this is liberating.
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:55 am
Let’s see, I have three daughters, ages 22, 20, and 18. Among them, we have (or have had): a tattoo, cotton-candy pink hair, jet black hair, black hair with bright red streaks, a pierced nose, multiple piercings of the ears– up and down the edge and through the center and traggus (sp?)..get where I’m goin’ here?
AND among them, we have: all three graduated high school as Distinguished (the above-and-beyond diploma)- and all three were Honor graduates; a free ride to a state university, multiple scholarships (because of going to state contests for writing), one is in grad school & headed for a PhD in Women’s Studies; one is in college & headed for a Masters in Library Science; and one is college-bound to become a Nurse-Practitioner, which requires a Masters degree.
What we HAVEN’T HAD: I’m not a grandmother yet, and I’m 42; no drugs, very, very little under-age drinking..I know there’s a lot worse stuff besides that, but those were my three main concerns that they avoid when they were in high school.
I agree with you, Debra: pick your battles and let your kids know that artistic expression is acceptable. Above all, my kids know that there is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them. NOTHING.
Awesome post, thanks!
Beth Fehlbaum, author
Courage in Patience, a story of hope for those who have endured abuse
http://courageinpatience.blogspot.com
http://www.kunati.com/courage-in-patience
Chapter 1 is online!