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So everything I wrote in my previous diet post…forget it. Because it’s meaningless if I don’t really believe it. I’m trying, I really am. And I soooo want to lose 20 lbs. But for some reason, something just isn’t clicking in my brain. I haven’t lost any weight since my last update…but I haven’t gained any either, so that’s a good thing. And this past week I’ve been exercising regularly…another good thing. My eating habits still suck though, and I’ve found myself caught in a rut that I can’t seem to get out of.

The following is not an excuse, it’s merely an explanation:

I don’t like to cook anymore. I used to love it. I mean, LOVE it! I always said that if I wasn’t a photographer then I’d love to be a chef. What I’ve learned though, is that it’s not that I love to cook, I love to cook for people who love my cooking. And with my husband gone (Iraq) it’s just not fun anymore. Why bother making elaborate home cooked meals for 3 kids who’d rather have chicken nuggets, corn dogs and pizza? Not that we eat that all the time. I still manage to cook small meals once or twice a week and we manage to eat relatively healthy. It’s just not the same thing.

What I need is a simple, easy meal plan that I can make quickly, cheaply, and very often: eat on the go. And if my kids can eat it too, then bonus. It’s not asking for too much, and if I put my mind to it, I know I could come with a great plan on my own.

Another thing I need… Will-Power. Looking in the mirror is motivation enough, but when it’s like 11pm and I have that final chocolate craving for the day…I need someone to slap my hand when I reach for one of my kids’ chocolate snack cakes or cookies. Or maybe someone can just follow me around all day with a full length mirror to remind me of how huge my ass is. Either way, I need to get it in gear, quit complaining and just lose the freaking weight.

About 6 or 7 years ago I went on a diet that was really simple. I counted calories and I think I tried not to go over 1300 calories/ 20 grams of fat per day…something like that. I remember it being tough at first, but it quickly became a habit, as I wrote everything down that I ate. Everything. I also exercised regularly, which I am doing now again. I remember feeling discouraged like I am now, but then one day I woke up and none of my clothes fit. I had managed to lose 30lbs, and needed a whole new wardrobe. Shopping was fun again!

That last paragraph? I want that again. I also forgot to mention the part about the chronic depression that plagued me during that time too. I’m just too darn happy these days. So I want that last paragraph, minus the depression. (By the way, I eventually gained all that weight back when I had my 3rd kid. Kids make me happy, but they also make me fat. Go figure.)

The other day someone emailed me when they came across something I wrote about 2 years ago. It was yet another article about my struggle with weight loss, but I focused on the origins of my struggle, and how I didn’t want to pass my insecurities and obsession with weight on to my daughters. You can read it in its entirety here. The person who emailed me thanked me for writing it, and went on to say that she could relate to my struggles. So many of us can, I’m sure. When I re-read it though, this part really stood out for me:

“My worry is that I have two beautiful and perfect little girls, and I feel like I will have failed as a mother if I pass my body-image issues onto them. I want to set a good, healthy example for my girls. I want them to see a mother who is beautiful at any size, a mother who loves herself, and loves them unconditionally. I want them to grow up with a self-love that I never had.”

I’m disappointed that after almost 2 years to the day, I am STILL facing these same issues. I’m still trying to lose the same weight now as I was back then. As I wrote then, it’s a vicious cycle. And I’m certainly spinning.

Posted by Chantal in Health, Women's Issues |

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 29th, 2008 at 11:34 am and is filed under Health, Women's Issues. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.